


Flawed

by 3ALover



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Eventual Happy Ending, Guilt, Heartbreak, M/M, Multi, Pining, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-30 21:23:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10885203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3ALover/pseuds/3ALover
Summary: Yuzuru Hanyu was not a good person. Everybody said he was, but he knew he was not. A good person would not be in love with a man who belonged to someone else.





	Flawed

**Author's Note:**

> This was a request from friend who does fixes my English. I was not really sure I want to write this, because I DO NOT support or condone cheating, it is very inexcusable, but people are not perfect and everybody makes bad choices and bad decisions, so I try and make this story just a very HUMAN story about people who have many flaws and know this.
> 
> Just know I would not ever want anything like this to happen to anybody in real life. It is not something I would ever excuse. Cheating is stupid and irredeemable, but many people who are not entirely horrible people do it, so I did what my friend ask and write a story about it. 
> 
> Hopefully you still like it.

Yuzuru knew he was not a good person. 

Everybody always said he was. He heard it from all types of people. They always talked about how he was so good because he was humble. He was so good because he was a face for hope for his home after the disaster. He was good because he was hardworking, and kind, and grateful, and respectful. Everybody said all the time that Yuzuru Hanyu was a good person.

But Yuzuru was not a good person.

A good person would not be climbing out of the bed of a man who was on the phone with his girlfriend and getting dressed in silence so she did not hear that her boyfriend was not alone in his bedroom. A good person would have never given in to his desires. A good person would not be drawn into the arms of someone who was also not a good person, someone willing to sleep with someone who was not his girlfriend, even though he swore he would never do it again.

A good person would not repeat such an indiscretion for the second time just because it felt _so good_ to give in to a desire locked away very long ago. 

A good person wouldn’t be in love with a man who belonged to someone else.

~

Javier had been Yuzuru’s first kiss. 

Yuzuru had felt a crush on Javier for a long time, and when a drunken Javier went from crying into his collar over being dumped by Cortney to kissing Yuzuru, Yuzuru had welcomed it. Most people would not have thought someone so old had never kissed anyone before, but Yuzuru had always been so afraid of scandal he never risked meeting anybody that might like him.

That night, Javier kissed him until he couldn’t breathe and then asked Yuzuru to never tell anyone they did that before apologizing for it. He reassured Yuzuru it didn’t mean anything and Yuzuru was crushed. He had hoped that maybe, finally, a boy liked him back, but of course, it was not that at all. 

They never talked about that night again until months later. Javier was in Japan for ice shows and Yuzuru was not on the tour with them, but he was skating at one of the biggest shows, and everybody got together to hang out after the show. Yuzuru didn’t drink, since it was bad for him, but that one night he indulged himself in a little bit, and though he wasn’t drunk, he was feeling loose enough to kiss Javier in a darkened corner when they stumbled over there while dancing together. Javier, who was equally loose and warm but not drunk, kissed him back, and Yuzuru felt emboldened to suggest they go to Javier’s room where it was more private. 

That night, Yuzuru had sex for the first time, and Javier had sex with a man for the first time, and afterwards, they lay in bed looking at one another in silence until Javier found the courage to speak.

_Javier brushed his fingertips against Yuzuru’s chest and looked at his eyes. “Yuzuru… remember that night I kissed you?” he asked, and Yuzuru nodded silently. Javier swallowed audibly. “I’ve always wanted to kiss you,” he confessed. “I don’t know why. I don’t really like men. I- I thought about it a lot. After kissing you. But I don’t think I want to kiss another man. Just you.”_

_Yuzuru licked his lips. “I always like boys,” he confessed. “I- I always thinking about how handsome you are.”_

_Javier smiled. “You are so beautiful,” he said, reaching out to tough Yuzuru’s blushing face._

_“Javi,” Yuzuru said, meeting his eyes. “What does this mean?”_

_Javier’s smile fell and he drew his hand away, which answered the question enough that his words did not really matter. “We can’t, Yuzuru. We- we are training partners. We are competitors. Brian would never allow… fraternization,” he said, and Yuzuru didn’t know what that word meant but he could guess._

_“My mother does not know,” Yuzuru whispered. “She cannot find out. I do not think she would like it.”_

_Yuzuru’s heart broke when Javier’s sad smile crossed his face. “I do not regret tonight, but… I think we should not do this again.”_

_Yuzuru swallowed back the way his eyes wanted to burn and nodded. “We cannot,” he agreed, and that was that._.

Only that wasn’t that. 

When Yuzuru went back to Canada to train, Javier returned with the news he had a girlfriend now. He had met up with Miki after the ice show ended and he knew here before he came to train with Brian, and they decided to get together and try, even though they were so far apart and Miki had a daughter. Yuzuru knew her. He remembered all the drama about her baby and how people were bad to her, and even though it broke his heart to see Javier with a girlfriend after knowing that Javier had liked him back, he was happy that Javier was good and did not think bad about her for having a baby without a father.

They talked one time about the fact they slept together not making their friendship weird, and after that, things went back to normal. 

The problem was that ‘normal’ for them was far too close for two people who had sex before.

Yuzuru _wanted_. He could remember how Javier had made him feel and he wanted it so badly. It had been nearly six months since he had sex with Javier, and he wanted more. He couldn’t have Javier, so he had found someone else. There was a man who worked at a coffee shop he had gone to with Javier a few times, and Yuzuru did not have to learn to flirt very hard to get his number. For a few weeks it was just texting and flirting and a few naughty pictures sent back and forth, but after about two months, Yuzuru decided he could trust that guy and he started going over to his house. He would lie to his mother and say he was going to stay with Javier and instead, he would go to the man’s house. He was older than Yuzuru, but Yuzuru didn’t care. He was an adult, so the fact the man had a few grays in his beard did not matter. 

Sex was fun with that man, but it was just sex. He was straightforward when he told the man he only wanted sex, nothing else, and the man seemed absolutely delighted he didn’t have to pretend to have feelings for Yuzuru to get him to sleep with him. For a while that worked. For months, even, every week or so, he would tell his mother he was going to stay with Javier and instead he went to have sex with a man more than ten years older than him who didn’t expect more than for Yuzuru to show up and spread his legs. 

The problem came after five months of that arrangement, when his mother caught him in his lie.

_Yuzuru knew his mother knew before she even confronted him, because he arrived late to training since Frank had talked him into morning sex when they woke up, and Javier skated over to the side of the ice as he walked past on his way and yelled his name. Brian was standing there talking to Tracy when Yuzuru walked over, so they heard as Javier said, “Yuzu, why did your mother think you were at my house last night? I’m really sorry if I was your cover, because when she showed up asking where you were, I told her I hadn’t seen you since yesterday, and she got really upset because she thought you were with me.”_

_Yuzuru paled and opened and closed his mouth a few times, only to not get to speak before Brian spoke up. “Wait, what?” Yuzuru looked over to see Brian walking towards him while Tracy watched curiously. “Yuzuru, why weren’t you at home or with Javi? I wasn’t going to say anything about you being late, Lord knows it’s the only time it’s ever happened,” he said, frowning. “But are you okay? You didn’t get lost and stay out wandering around all night did you?” he asked worriedly._

_“I- I-“ He stuttered, pulling out his phone to see if his mother had called him._

_The fact she hadn’t spoke volumes._

_“Yuzuru?” Javi asked, and when Yuzuru looked up he was right in front of him, looking worried. “Are you alright?”_

_“I- I was at a friend’s house,” Yuzuru said, avoiding Javier and Brian’s eyes._

_“Why didn’t you just tell your mom you were there?” Brian asked, frowning._

_Yuzuru looked down at his shoes. “It- uh- it’s not a friend she knows.”_

_Brian suddenly made a noise of understanding and when Yuzuru looked up Brian looked incredibly uncomfortable. “Oh.”_

_“What do you mean someone she does not know?” Javier asked, and Yuzuru glanced at him to see worry in his features. “Yuzu, who do you know besides us at the rink? You never talk about anybody else-“_

_“Javi, think about it and don’t ask questions,” Brian suggested, and Javier raised an eyebrow. Brian gave him a pointed look and Javier just frowned. Brian groaned. “I’ll let you explain,” he said to Yuzuru, and then walked away, clearly wanting no part in this. Javier turned to him expectantly._

_Yuzuru sighed, slapping a hand over his eyes. “Adult friend,” he muttered under his breath._

_“Well you are an adult, so that’s expected. I’m an adult, so are most of our training mates-“_

_“Do adult things!” Yuzuru said quickly, voice low. “Adult friend for adult things I do not want Mother knowing I am doing!” he hissed._

_Javier’s eyes widened. “You- You have-“ He looked around and leaned closer. “Yuzuru, who the hell are you dating?”_

_“I am not having this conversation here,” Yuzuru said loudly. “Also, not your business or anybody else really.”_

_Javier cringed. “No, no, you’re right. I’m sorry,” he said, lowering his voice again. “I just am surprised. I thought you and I talked about everything.”_

_Yuzuru gave him a pointed look. “Maybe there is reason I do not talk to you about my ‘adult’ friend, Javi,” he said, and then turned away, heading to get dressed in a hurry since he was already late._

When he got home, his mother was waiting. She did not seem happy, and she was not. As soon as he sat down, she demanded to know where he was all night and why he lied to her. He had tried to just say he was with a friend who wasn’t Javier, but she wanted to know the truth. He did not give details, but he said he spent the night with someone he was dating, and he hoped she would not ask questions, but she did.

When she demanded to know who she was and why he was dating someone he was hiding, he confessed that it was not a girl. The worst came when his mother asked to meet his boyfriend, then, and Yuzuru knew that he couldn’t convince Frank to lie and say he was his boyfriend, so he had to confess the truth: he was sleeping with a man who wasn’t his boyfriend at all. 

She was angry. She was upset. She wasn’t even upset he was gay as much as she was upset he was doing something as risky and foolish as sleeping around with a stranger that nobody knew. She couldn’t believe he would lie about where he was. She forbid him from doing that ever again, because she was angry he was careless enough to go alone to a strange man’s home without anybody knowing he was there where anything could happen to him. She reminded him that he was Yuzuru Hanyu, and while that might not mean as much here in Canada, the right people could discover how important he was to some and might hurt him because of it.

He knew deep down she was right, but he got mad. He was not a child anymore, and he didn’t want to be treated like one. He had never raised his voice at his mother in his life, but when she demanded he never see Frank again, he argued back, she yelled and he yelled back, and they kept going until she _started crying_ about how she had sacrificed so much for him and he was risking his safety after all she did for him.

It hurt so much to see her crying, because it was all true. 

He left home before he could upset her worse but when he called Frank, asking if he could stay at his place, Frank didn’t want him to come over since Yuzuru was crying and clearly wasn’t in the mood to have sex. 

After what his mother said, that just made Yuzuru feel stupid. 

He went the only place he knew to go: Javier’s house.

_When Javier opened the door, Yuzuru saw his eyes widen in concern at the state of Yuzuru. “Yuzu?” he asked, opening the door wider to usher him inside._

_“I’m a terrible son,” Yuzuru cried, standing just inside the door. “I made her cry, Javi!”_

_“Oh Yuzuru,” Javier sighed, pulling him into a tight hug, and Yuzuru sunk into his arms gratefully. “C’mere,” he said, pulling Yuzuru over to the couch. They sat down and Javier held him while he cried._

_After he calmed down, he lay in Javier’s arms, sniffling while Javier stroked his back soothingly, looking at him with wide, worried eyes. “She’s right,” Yuzuru whispered hoarsely. “She sacrifice so much for me. My whole family, they make so much sacrifice for me, and I_ lied _.” He sniffled. “I lied to my mother for so long. For months now, I lied. I- I’ve been telling her I come here, when I really go to- to a man’s house and have sex.”_

_Javier smiled sadly. “Yuzu, it’s not that strange you didn’t want your mother to know you were seeing someone. She doesn’t know you like boys, so how would she react to a boyfriend.”_

_Yuzuru let out a shuddered breath. “He is not my boyfriend,” he whispered. “It is just a man. An old man,” he confessed. “Almost as old as Brian. I do not love him. He does not love me. I just- just go to his house and let him fuck me. All he cares is that I show up and let him.” He closed his eyes. “When I say it out loud, I sound like someone dirty and bad. I lie to my mother to let some old man fuck me.”_

_Javier frowned worriedly. “You can live your life however you want, but that just doesn’t sound like you,” he said softly, stroking his fingers through Yuzuru’s hair. “What brought that on?”_

_Yuzuru turned his eyes away. “I- I found out what sex is like and I wanted more,” he confessed. “I sound so dirty, but it is the truth.”_

_Javier’s hand stilled in his hair and Yuzuru hid his face in Javier’s chest. “Yuzuru….” His voice trailed off and Yuzuru begged silently that he would not continue. “Yuzuru, what do you mean by that?” Yuzuru kept quiet but Javier touched his chin gently and tipped his face up. Javier looked into his eyes. “Yuzu?”_

_“I- I never had sex before last summer,” he admitted, avoiding Javier’s eyes. “I liked- I liked feeling- feeling like I was special. I did not know sex was so much feelings other than just good touches and orgasms. I wanted to feel like someone wanted me again, and I cannot just- just find someone. So I ask man I know does not know who I am. He just knew I was boy with nice face who wanted sex. He still does not know I am famous.”_

_“How have you been seeing him for months and he doesn’t know?” Javier asked, and Yuzuru shrugged._

_“We do not talk much. We have sex. I spend the night. I leave in the morning.”_

_“And that makes you happy?” Javier asked, sounding concerned and disbelieving. Yuzuru thought about Javier, with his history of dating one girl for years without seeing her for months, and realized he must sound like a whore to Javier._

_Yuzuru sucked in a breath, biting back jealousy. “It is all I can have.”_

After that, Javier seemed sad a lot. Yuzuru didn’t know why he was sad when it was _Yuzuru_ who was in such a hard place. 

Yuzuru didn’t see Frank again, and he promised his mother he would never lie again. He promised her that if he ever started seeing someone, he would tell her the truth about where he was, because she was right to be upset. She was scared for her son, and he was the one who did something stupidly dangerous. Anything could have happened to him going to a different part of town at night without anyone knowing where he went. Frank didn’t know his address or his mother’s name or where Yuzuru ‘worked’ or anything, so even if no one did something to him, if he slipped and hit his head, nobody would be able to call his mother or Brian. He was sneaking around and it was dangerous.

Things got weird though. His mother wanted him to tell his family he was gay and he did not want to. She didn’t tell anybody without his permission, but he knew she hated keeping a secret like that from his father and sister. Brian never asked him about his private life, which was nice, but he could feel Brian watching him more closely, especially when he showed up with his mother and was very quiet with her. Javier kept looking at him with sad eyes and refused to say why. He also got more touchy than he already was, and Yuzuru was afraid to ask why. 

It had been just over a year since they had sex, and he didn’t understand why Javier was being so strange so much later. It all came to a head when they got into an argument at a party Javier had talked him into going with him to.

Yuzuru was not happy with the order to take a break to let his foot heal, so when Javier asked him to come with him to a party, he went. He hadn’t told him he was taking the summer off and that he wouldn’t be back until July, and he thought he could put it all off telling him until he was inevitably drunk enough he wouldn’t get all overly concerned like he was every time he saw Yuzuru favoring his foot.

Unlike Yuzuru, Javier was always up for drinking when Brian didn’t know about it. Yuzuru was conscious of the fact that alcohol could trigger is asthma (which was why if he did risk it, it was always in moderation) so he decided to not drink and just use his clear head to tell Javier he was going to be gone for a while when he was too drunk to get all worried about him. 

_Yuzuru couldn’t find Javier in the mess of people dancing in the living room of whoever’s house this was, so he went looking for him down the hall. All Yuzuru had done was go to pee but now Javier had wandered off. When he finally found him, Javier was in someone’s bedroom with a bunch of other people playing video games._

_“Javi?” he called, trying to get his attention without getting any closer, because someone was smoking and he knew better than to get too close._

_“Yuzu!” Javier called his name and a few people turned and cheered, even though they clearly didn’t know why. “Yuzu,” he said again as he stood up and stumbled over somebody as he made his way towards Yuzuru. “Yuzu, come play,” he said, grabbing his waist._

_Yuzuru put his hands on Javier’s chest. “No, Javi,” he said, shaking his head. “My lungs,” he said and Javier turned around and then looked back at Yuzuru._

_“Oh, yeah, right.” He instead grinned at Yuzuru as he pushed him out into the hall. “Yuzuruuu,” he said playfully, sliding his arms around his waist. “Are you having fun?”_

_Yuzuru smiled, backing down the hall with his hands braced on Javier. “Not as much fun as you are, it seems,” he said, turning around when Javier led them out onto a balcony away from the noise. “Finally, I can breathe,” he said and Javier hummed, stepping up behind him._

_“I didn’t think about all the smoke and stuff in the house,” he said, and Yuzuru could feel Javier’s voice in his chest vibrating against his back. “Sorry, Yuzu.” Yuzuru leaned back against Javier and Javier rested his chin on Yuzuru’s shoulder. “You’re being odd,” he murmured and Yuzuru’s stomach twisted._

_“I’m going home, Javi,” he whispered._

_“Mmm, I know, I’m going there, too,” Javier said, rocking them back and forth. Javier was always more affectionate when he was drunk. He giggled some. “Maybe we are skating a show together again? You haven’t mentioned any you are doing but I know you.”_

_Yuzuru sighed. “I’m going home for two months. I won’t be skating any. I- I am not going to even be back here until July.” Javier stilled and Yuzuru continued. “I will not see you until training season has started after I leave tomorrow.” Honestly, Yuzuru didn’t know why that was such a big deal. Javier was an adult. He was an adult. They were friends, but their lives were not that involved. Yet for some reason, it felt like this would be a very big deal._

_Javier’s hands slid down his stomach some as he went lax. “What?” he asked softly._

_Yuzuru ducked his chin towards his chest. “I am injured. I’ve been hiding it from everybody but Brian and Tracy. If I don’t rest, I might need surgery on my foot.”_

_“And you didn’t tell me?” Javier asked, spinning Yuzuru around. Yuzuru was surprised by how upset Javier looked._

_“Why would I tell you-“_

_Javier spluttered. “I push you all the time playing around, I could have made you hurt yourself, but you never backed down!”_

_Yuzuru frowned. “Because I don’t want to. I like playing.”_

_“You don’t trust me,” Javier accused and Yuzuru gawked._

_“What? Javi, that does not make sense! I trust you, I just did not tell anyone-“_

_“Not just about this,” Javier said, backing up a step. “For the whole season, you do not tell me things. I am your friend, but you hide things, and not just this injury. What, did you think I would take advantage of you being injured?” he asked, stepping closer. “Did you think I would have tried to push you and beat you because I made you hurt yourself?”_

_Yuzuru was shocked by Javier’s accusations. “How can you ever think I would think you do that?” he demanded. “Javi, I know you would never try and take advantage! I am only person you are okay losing to, and you are only person I am okay losing to! I know you would not do that, and how can you think I would ever think you could?”_

_Javier scoffed. “I don’t know what is in your head anymore,” he said bluntly. “First you do not tell me about your lover, now you do not tell me about your injury-“_

_“It is none of your business,” Yuzuru warned him. “Only Brian must know about my foot and only I must know who I sleep with.”_

_“But you should want to tell me,” Javier pressed. “If I feel bad, I go to you for comfort, don’t I? You have an injury that must be bad if you are taking two months off, and you never even let on that it hurt-“_

_“The pain is not bad!” Yuzuru urged. “Javi, if I was feeling bad enough to want comfort I would say, but it is not so bad-“_

_“You never told me you felt unwanted either!” Javier snapped. He tiled his head, jaw flexing. “You were sneaking around with somebody far too old for you because you wanted validation or to feel wanted or some shit like that, but I had no clue.” He shook his head. “You can talk to me, Yuzuru, and you know it. We have been friends for so long, you know you can tell me these things, no matter what. First you don’t tell me any of that and now you hide an injury, and I don’t know why.”_

_Yuzuru felt a surge of anger and he stepped closer to Javier. “I can handle pain well. You think I never hurt before injury? We are figure skaters. As long as my body works, I can handle pain. And you know why I did not tell you I was seeing that man. I do not know why you would want to know anyways. You do not get some claim over my private life just because you are first person who fucked me,” he spat._

_Javier gritted his teeth, visibly reacting. “There’s no need to be so vulgar. You make it sound like it’s something wrong.”_

_Yuzuru scoffed. “Oh so I should not sleep with Frank because it is bad he fucks me, but it was okay you did it one time?” he challenged and Javier glared at him._

_“Yuzuru,” he warned, and Yuzuru got right up in his space._

_“I am a top level figure skater, and if I can skate perfectly well after someone_ fuck me _so hard it hurt to sit down, I can skate fine with injured foot,” he said in the most acrid tone he could manage. “I sleep with Frank because I want to forget that first boy to fuck me did not want me, and I liked having him fuck me hard because sweet touches make me think about boy that fucked me but ‘does not really like boys’,” he mocked. “You want I prove I trust you? Maybe there was reason I not tell you all those things,” he finished bitterly._

_Javier’s eyes were glassy as he glared at him. “I show concern and you are cruel? Why?” he asked, sounding angry but hurt as well._

_Yuzuru felt guilt at that hurt and he sighed heavily. “I did not want to upset you with truth, but fine. You want truth, that is truth.” He looked away. “I hide things because I do not want you to worry. It is not your fault I skate hurt. It is not your fault things with Frank went so bad.”_

_“But it is my fault you felt unwanted.” Javier’s voice was soft enough that Yuzuru was surprised to look back and see sadness in Javier’s eyes. Javier rubbed a hand over his forehead and sighed. “I think it’s time to go home. I’m no longer in the mood for partying.”_

_Yuzuru smiled sadly and nodded. “Not me either.”_

When they went back to Javier’s house that night, they didn’t talk much. Javier’s inebriation wore off quickly when he was in such a somber mood, and Yuzuru felt bad about all the horrible things he said to him. After they had both gotten ready for bed, Yuzuru came out of the bathroom and headed to Javier’s room to apologize.

However, when he started speaking, Javier just shushed him and pulled him into his arms. Yuzuru wasn’t sure what happened, but one minute he was looking at Javier’s big, sad eyes, and the next he was being kissed. Javier clearly had sobered up completely, because his every touch was deliberate. There was no sloppy kisses or slurred speech. Instead, his every touch felt like an apology etched into Yuzuru’s skin and his every kiss a plea for forgiveness. 

Yuzuru gave into the desire, and that night Javier found his absolution between Yuzuru’s thighs.

Afterwards, however, Yuzuru thought about what they had done while Javier slept behind him, his big arm curled around Yuzuru’s waist, holding him close. Javier had a girlfriend. Javier had been seeing her for nearly a _year_. Yuzuru slept with his best friend who had a girlfriend. He felt sick with himself and with Javier. He had never in his life thought Javier was the type to cheat. Javier was an honest person and a good man. He couldn’t understand why Javier kissed him in the first place, and he felt guilty for not thinking about Miki before he pulled Javier’s shirt off and pulled him onto the bed.

Yuzuru left before Javier woke up the next morning, and he didn’t answer Javier’s calls or messages as he and his mother left for the airport. He couldn’t bear to talk to him with so much guilt roiling around inside of him.

He didn’t see Javier again until training started again, and it was as if they both had agreed to pretend what they did didn’t really happen. They were friends like always, with no awkwardness at all. They focused really hard on their grand prix season coming up and they were as close as ever without crossing those boundaries. It was like the summer without speaking fixed all the awkwardness of the previous year. Things were absolutely perfect for so long that sometimes Yuzuru started to wonder if maybe he imagined them having sex.

He was reminded that it was not a dream, however, when at NHK he came out after changing to go do interviews and saw Brian talking to none other than Miki. 

_Guilt hit him like a rock to the stomach and he tried to sneak away but Brian spotted him. “Yuzu!” Yuzuru forced a smile and walked over to Brian and bowed, greeting Miki. “We were just talking about how poor Miki gets an earful about you all the time from Javi,” he said and Yuzuru fought a cringe as she smiled at him._

_“I just wanted to meet you myself! I’m doing some interviews later and I’d love to talk with you. Javi talks about you all the time,” she said, looking at him. “I remember you when you were just a little boy. Look at you now.”_

_Yuzuru laughed forcedly. “I looked up to you so much when I was small,” he said, and it was true, he had really looked up to her. She was the first ladies skater to ever land a quad in competition and he had idolized her as a boy._

_That was one of the reasons that, as soon as she was gone on, the guilt washed over him and he rushed to the nearest bathroom to throw up from shame. He lied to Brian and told him it was nerves he had repressed until after the competition was over._

Yuzuru shoved it down and focused on the upcoming Grand Prix Final and then immediately ignored the fact Javier was spending the holidays after that with the girlfriend he cheated on with Yuzuru. He never mentioned seeing her to Javier and Javier never mentioned her telling him she saw Yuzuru, and Yuzuru was grateful he was able to continue living this lie for longer. 

Javier not being different was a problem for Yuzuru, though, because sometimes it was so tempting to daydream that Javier’s affectionate touches were because he felt the same was for Yuzuru as Yuzuru felt for him. It wasn’t worth pretending anymore. Yuzuru’s guilt kept him from wanting to act on what he felt, so he was able to be honest and admit that he wished so badly Javier was his boyfriend, not hers. 

But he wasn’t, which was why it was so wrong of Yuzuru to ask of Javier what he asked of him at Worlds, after his disastrous short program. 

_Yuzuru was enraged with himself and with the judges. Nobody actually got hit with that ‘late start’ crap unless the judges wanted that skater to fail. He wanted to scream and cry and physically bash his head against the closet door as soon as his mother left him alone and told him not to watch his short program over and over to analyze the flaws. He had to pull out the skate of his life for the long program to even hope to medal. Everything was wrong and there was only one thing he knew would make him stop thinking._

_Yuzuru knew it was wrong. He knew it was the_ worst _thing he could do, but when he found himself outside of Javier’s hotel room, he found he didn’t actually care._

_The other Javier opened the door to his and Javi’s shared room and he gave him a sad smile. “Hey, Yuzuru. Tough break tonight,” he said and Yuzuru couldn’t even force a smile._

_“Is Javi here?” he asked, then scrunched his nose. “Other Javi,” he added and Javier smiled._

_“Yeah, I was going to the gym anyways. I’m too wired to sleep,” he said, stepping aside. “Just try to finish your conversation in an hour or so, because your coach will be mad if you two are both up so late,” he said, and Yuzuru thanked him as he let Yuzuru in and left._

_Javier looked up from where he sat on his bed and his eyebrow went up when he was Yuzuru. “Are you okay?” he asked, standing up to approach him._

_Yuzuru shook his head, swallowing hard. “Javi, I need you to hug me and tell me it okay,” he rasped out, and Javier looked at him with a heartbroken look._

_“Oh, Yuzuru,” he said as he crossed the floor and pulled Yuzuru into his arms. Yuzuru let out a rough sob and hid his face in Javier’s neck._

_“I know it is not fair. I know I am distracting you. You should not worry about me, but I just need you,” he sobbed. “I feel so wrong and only Javi can help.”_

_Javier held him close and shushed him and Yuzuru felt loved. It wasn’t fair to Javier, but Yuzuru needed him more than he ever had before. Yuzuru was in love with a man who belonged to someone else, but tonight he wasn’t going to do anything wrong, he just needed to feel like Javier belonged to him so he didn’t feel so lost and helpless._

_Javier curled one arm around his waist and the other cupped the back of his head, and he held him close. “It is okay to need someone, Yuzuru,” he comforted. “You are still human, no matter how much you seem like an untouchable god sometimes.” Yuzuru felt a kiss to his head and he leaned into the touch. “You have struggled this season, and I know it’s my fault,” Javier whispered. That was the first time Javier had acknowledged anything close to what happened last summer. “You are distracted and have been for so long and I did that.”_

_“You are not the only person who made mistakes,” Yuzuru rasped. “But you are the best person in my life, and I know you do more good than bad for me.” He closed his eyes and whimpered as he hugged him close. “Javi, I am in fifth place. I am only five points above someone with no quad.”_

_“Shhhh,” Javier interrupted. “Don’t do this to yourself. You are unstoppable when you are doing your best, Yuzu,” he murmured, kissing his temple. “You can recover from anything. You could be in tenth place and you would still be capable of beating us all. We will be on the podium together.”_

_Yuzuru sniffled but smiled against Javier’s shoulder. “You are right. You look good in silver,” he managed to joke, and Javier hugged him tighter as he laughed softly._

_“See? You are feeling better already if you are able to get sassy with me,” he comforted._

_Yuzuru ended up staying for well over an hour, just talking with Javier while they hugged together on his bed, even after the other Javier came back. He knew it was wrong to invite this sort of intimacy with Javier, but it needed to feel loved, even if it was false._

After Javier was proven right, except for the part of them being on the podium together, their closeness proved to be as dangerous as Yuzuru feared it would be. He kept finding Javier looking at him with that _look_ again and it made him want to do something about it. It was so wrong, though, so he pushed it away and kept that part of himself buried deep down. It wasn’t as hard when he and Javier went back to Canada together for only one more week to have end-of-season meetings with their coaches and then go their separate ways. 

Yuzuru still had to keep practicing, because he still had one more competition, but Javier was done so he went home. When his final competition came, he knew that Javier was also there, because he was in Japan with Miki, but he avoided seeing him. It wasn’t as hard when Javier was not competing and wasn’t backstage. 

Yuzuru kept himself distracted both by hanging out with friends and by focusing on the competition, but when he once again struggled with his short program, he got frustrated. This time, since it wasn’t quite as serious, he didn’t have another breakdown, but he got annoyed still. Instead of distracting himself by calling Javier to talk or asking to meet with him, he took another route that would eventually be what led to his and Javier’s second indiscretion. 

All season, Yuzuru had found himself getting to know Jin Boyang better. He was a funny guy and his jumps were amazing. Yuzuru had kept in touch with him after they talked so much at Worlds, and he liked him as a person. It didn’t hurt that he was cute, either. He was younger than Yuzuru, but he wasn’t a child or anything, so when Yuzuru decided to find a distraction from his dismal short program, he chose to do so by messaging Boyang to see if he was up for some no-strings-attached fun. 

Yuzuru hadn’t been with anybody all season after the mess with Frank the year before and the guilt from what he did with Javier before the summer, so he felt that there was no harm that could come from just two guys blowing off some steam together, and Boyang was on board with that. He was a focused young athlete like Yuzuru, so they both could use something to just get all the frustration out of their systems. It ended up being pretty good for doing just that, and neither of them felt that awkward about it afterwards. They even got re-dressed and sat playing video games for a while since it was still early and the free skate wasn’t until later the next night so they were better off sleeping as late as possible in the morning anyways. 

The problem came when Yuzuru saw him out the door with one last kiss and waved as he left to the right corridor only to have someone clear their throat to the left. He turned quickly, horrified that someone saw, only to really feel his stomach sink when Javier was there.

_Yuzuru stared blankly as he heard Boyang’s footsteps fading and Javier stood just down the hall looking at him with a strange look. Javier came towards him after they heard an elevator ding down the hall and Yuzuru bit his lip nervously. “Javi. It’s good to see you,” he said, though he could hear how hollow it sounded himself._

_“I was going to check on you after your bad skate today but it seems you already had someone to comfort you,” he said in a tone that sounded very accusatory._

_Yuzuru didn’t like that accusation in his voice so he raised an eyebrow, standing taller. “So? You know I like boys-“_

_“So you’re sleeping with competitors now?” Javier asked and Yuzuru narrowed his gaze._

_“Pretty sure I already did that,” he said and Javier’s ears burned red. “Thank you for concern, but I am okay. It is not that big of event. It is mostly for fun times, I was just mad I did bad for my team.”_

_Javier nodded slowly. “You know he is too young for you,” he said and Yuzuru rolled his eyes._

_“He is three years younger-“_

_“The same age as Shoma-“_

_Yuzuru spluttered, because that was an alarming realization but he covered it well. “You are FOUR years older than I am, do not even try and act like Boyang too young for me. And it’s not your business,” he said with a tilt to his head. “Who I sleep with_ my _business, nobody else.”_

_Javier bristled. “He barely speaks English-“_

_“I barely speak any better! Sex is not about words, Javi, I think you know that pretty well,” he stressed. “It is just sex and my business, not yours,” he said firmly. “Is this just how it is now?! Is April Javi and Yuzuru fight time?” he demanded, crossing his arms. “I had nice night even with bad skate. Teammates are fun and I had good time, then I sucked a pretty boy’s dick, then I played video games. I like tonight and don’t want to ruin it by fighting with best friend.”_

_Javier took a heavy breath and sighed. “You’re right,” he confessed. He held up his hands. “I am sorry. It’s not my business. I just-“ He stopped himself and forced a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “How about we talk tomorrow? I’m skating in the gala so we can talk tomorrow and then spend the rest of the weekend being nice to each other and not fighting.”_

_Yuzuru nodded sadly. “I want that, Javi,” he said softly, because it was true. “I am happy to see you again and I do not want to fight.”_

_Javier gave a sad smile. “Ganbatte, Yuzuru,” he said and Yuzuru smiled back and bowed. He didn’t wait for a reply before walking away from Yuzuru, and Yuzuru swallowed around a sudden lump in his throat._

_“Goodnight, Javi,” he called and Javier smiled back at him before disappearing around the corner._

He and Javier didn’t fight again, which was good, but when they went their separate ways again, since they didn’t have any shows together that summer, Javier hugged him and whispered something in Spanish in his ear, and Yuzuru didn’t know what it was until he looked it up later and nothing hurt more than knowing it was wrong of Javier to say the words ‘te amo’ to him when it was something he had wanted to hear for so long. 

Yuzuru dove headfirst into the next season’s training, and unfortunately, so did Javier. They both came back early and both started working very hard. However, they were still _them_ , so when they started goofing off like usual, Yuzuru kept it normal, but could see the look in Javier’s eyes as he smiled at him, and it broke his heart. He played along and prayed that Javier couldn’t see how much he loved him every time he looked at him.

Yuzuru knew better than to go to Javier’s house, because he couldn’t trust himself around Javier, but when Javier agreed to let the girls come to his house to play video games since he had the best games, Yuzuru was responsible for bringing Jun-hwan since their practices ended at the same time. He figured it would be fine with all of them there, and it was until they left and the girls offered to take Jun-hwan home since it was the opposite direction from Yuzuru. 

After they left, Yuzuru offered to clean up to keep busy and not seem like he was rushing out. It worked for a while, he and Javier cleaned up together, and then sat down on the couch and continued playing games. It almost felt like old times for a while.

However, just like ‘old times’ he found himself laying on the couch half in Javier’s lap, and all it took was one round of poking and tickles to try and distract him for them to get into a tussling match and find themselves lying horizontal, with Javier on top of Yuzuru. Staring at each other and taking panted breaths from the laughter turned them into magnets, and within seconds, they were kissing.

Within minutes, they were leaving a trail of clothes on the way to Javier’s bedroom. 

_Yuzuru knew it was wrong for all of about two minutes right up until Javier got his mouth on Yuzuru’s chest and his hands on Yuzuru’s thighs, and then all thoughts of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ were gone. “Javi,” he moaned, body arching as Javier kissed down his body, his lips leaving a trail of heat down his abdomen. He sank a hand into Javier’s curls and moaned when Javier briefly ran his tongue up the underside of his hardening erection, only to gasp when Javier kept going and trailed kisses down one thigh and moved to kiss back up the other one. He whined when Javier sucked on his inner thigh, sending jolts of pleasure through his nerve-endings._

_“I could taste your thighs forever,” Javier moaned, nipping lightly at the tender skin of his inner legs. “Or more of you,” he whispered and Yuzuru whimpered as he felt Javier’s fingertip brush his entrance._

_“Nobody- I never-“_

_“Good,” Javier groaned against his leg and then, with little warning, Javier grabbed his hips and flipped him over so he was facedown. Yuzuru looked back at him and Javier crawled up his back and met him in a kiss that he welcomed. “Yuzuru, can I?” he asked, sucking on his earlobe for just a moment before kissing down his neck to his shoulder._

_Yuzuru was so overwhelmed by having_ Javier _touching him that he wasn’t even sure what Javier was asking, but he nodded anyways, because he trusted him entirely. Javier trailed kisses down his spine and Yuzuru shivered at the feeling. Javier trailed kisses across his ass and he remembered what exactly Javier wanted to do, and he moaned in anticipation as he arched his back, presenting his ass in hopes it would speed him along. Javier moaned behind him as he grabbed his ass in both hands and squeezed. “Such a perfect ass,” he murmured, and Yuzuru had no chance to respond before Javier’s mouth descended on him. Yuzuru cried out in pleasure, startled by how it felt, but he pressed his ass back for more. Yuzuru couldn’t help squirming under Javier, it was so good. He reached both hands out and grabbed the rungs of the headboard, pressing his face into the pillows as he fought not to toss and turn from the sensation. “God, the way you respond,” Javier panted as he trailed kisses along his lower spine and replaced his mouth with his fingers._

_“Javi, please,” he moaned. Javier’s fingers moved deeper and twisted just right to make him groan. “Javiiiiii.” Javier kept him like that, toying with him until he was a shaking, shivering mess, before he crawled to the edge of the bed and got what they needed. Yuzuru was sweating and panting already, and he flopped onto his back, giving Javier room. When Javier came back, he settled at his side and kissed him long and sweet as he opened him some more with his fingers and put on a condom._

_When Yuzuru got tired of waiting, he moved to settle on Javier’s lap, looking down at him and holding his eyes as he slowly settled himself onto Javier’s cock, taking him deep inside. Javier’s eyes fluttered and he moaned, hands going to Yuzuru’s waist. “Yuzuru,” he breathed, looking at him with his big, brown eyes so full of affection. Yuzuru whined as he got used to the feeling, and then he leaned in to hold Javier’s face in his hands as he kissed him. He began to ride him slowly as he kissed him and Javier’s long eyelashes brushed his cheek as he pulled away to breathe._

_“Javi,” he whispered as he looked into his eyes and Javier cupped his face in one hand looking at him in wonder as Yuzuru moved against him._

_“Yuzuru,” he breathed, touching his face so gently it was like he was looking at him for the first time again._

_As they started to move faster, Javier surged up to kiss him and topped them over backwards. Yuzuru gasped in shock, but Javier just pushed him onto his back and braced himself with one hand on the bed and the other grabbing Yuzuru’s thigh, holding it as he thrust into him harder and faster than he had moved before. Yuzuru moaned and wrapped his legs around Javier tighter, moving with him. “Javi, don’t stop,” he begged, and Javier kissed down his neck, biting at his collar bone._

_“Yuzu, Yuzu, Dios,” he moaned and Yuzuru couldn’t stop himself from grabbing his hair and pulling it until he could look into his eyes._

_“Javi,” he panted, and Javier looked just as helpless as he felt as he held his gaze._

_Yuzuru touched his face and Javier turned to kiss his fingertips. “Te amo, Yuzuru. Te amo, Querido,” he panted, and Yuzuru saw a tear streak Javier’s face, and it made his own throat grow tight._

_“Javi,” he whispered, only to moan when Javier kissed him and reached between them to stroke him. “Javi,” he moaned, grabbing hold of his shoulders for leverage as he met his thrusts. “Please, do not stop.”_

_“Never,” Javier panted, kissing Yuzuru again. Yuzuru moaned into the kiss as the pleasure mounted. “Yuzuru, I love you, Querido, fuck, Yuzu-“_

_“Javi!” Yuzuru cried as his body was overcome with pleasure and love and all he could do was hang onto the man in his arms as he felt pleasure unlike any he had ever felt before. Javier cried out shortly after, and Yuzuru shook through the aftershocks of his orgasm as Javier reached his own, nails digging into Yuzuru’s thigh almost painfully._

_Yuzuru held him as he collapsed on Yuzuru’s chest and he kissed his head as he stroked his curls, basking in the overwhelming feeling of Javier loving him with his body and his heart._

Now, however, Yuzuru couldn’t even look at him as he hurriedly but silently got dressed. They had been lying in bed trading lazy kisses and silent touches that said everything without ever saying a word when Javier’s phone rang, and it shattered their bubble in which nothing else existed outside that bed. It only got worse when Javier held his phone over their faces to check and see who it was and Yuzuru saw her name and a photo of her and the baby on the screen. 

Javier had grown still and sat up quickly to answer it, and Yuzuru used that moment, in a wave of crushing guilt, to make his escape from the bed he had just slept with someone else’s boyfriend in. 

Javier was looking at him with big, sad brown eyes as he got dressed, but Yuzuru just shook his head as he left the room, picking up the shirt and jacket he left in the hallway on their dash to the bedroom, and didn’t stop for more than the second it took to put on his sneakers by the door before he left and didn’t look back. 

~

Yuzuru couldn’t sleep that night. Even after he took a shower, he felt like he could smell Javier on his skin and he could still feel Javier inside of him. Worst of all, he could still see the tear on Javier’s face as he told him he loved him, and he knew Javier was in a really hard situation.

It didn’t excuse what they did.

The next day at practice, he was horrible. He was glad Javier wasn’t there, because he could only imagine falling apart on the ice while Javier watched, knowing he did this. Yuzuru couldn’t do a single jump without popping it or falling, and Brian seemed frustrated. Brian was usually nice, but when he got frustrated he sometimes wasn’t so nice. When Yuzuru couldn’t even do a spin right, Brian finally got angry enough that he shouted at Yuzuru, asking what the hell was wrong with him today, and Yuzuru was shocked at himself when he just burst into tears.

Brian seemed to panic slightly at the sight of Yuzuru sobbing so hard he could barely keep his skates under him. He helped him off the ice and Yuzuru took his skates off so he could go get some water and get himself together. 

When Yuzuru came back fifteen minutes later, ready to try again, Brian had taken his skates to his office. Yuzuru went to see why he did that and when he got there, Brian was sitting and waiting. “You don’t need to skate if you’re so upset,” Brian said before he could even ask. Yuzuru bit his lip and walked over to the couch beside Brian’s desk and sat down carefully. Brian watched him closely and Yuzuru picked at his sleeves. “Yuzuru, what’s wrong?” he asked with concern in his voice. “You’ve been really quiet since we started working on this season. I thought it was just nerves from the pressure of an Olympic season, but you’ve never fallen apart like this on me.”

Yuzuru pulled his sleeves over his hands and looked down at his knees. He couldn’t meet Brian’s eyes. “I am not sure I should say. It- it is not just about me.”

“That’s fine, but I want you to know nothing you say leaves this room,” Brian promised. “You don’t have to tell me anything, but you are my skater and I can’t help you if I don’t know how. If you don’t want to talk to me, or if you’re embarrassed, let me know who you do want to talk to and I’ll get them here.” He leaned forward some, looking Yuzuru in the eyes. “If you’re having trouble from the stress, I can talk to Tracy’s friend, she’s a sports psychologist. She can work with you if all the pressure is becoming too much. I know it’s an Olympic year, but you’re only twenty-two and you already have one Olympic gold, I do not want to risk your health and safety when you’re this young. If you were older, I might look the other way about potential career-ending risks, which I know isn’t right of me as your coach, but as a former skater, I could understand that.” He shook his head. “But you’re too young to risk that. You’ve got-“

“It’s not about skating,” Yuzuru admitted, looking at Brian. “It isn’t about Olympics, it isn’t about skating, it- it is about me.”

Brian leaned back in his seat. “So you’re saying it’s a personal issue,” he clarified. He nodded. “Well whatever it is, it’s affecting your skating, so it’s about skating, Yuzu. I can get you help if you need it. I don’t even need details, I just want you to tell me what you need from me to help you with this.”

Yuzuru looked down at his knees, unable to look Brian in the eyes and see how concerned he was. “You cannot fix that I am a bad person,” he all but whispered. 

Brian chuckled. “Yuzuru, you are _not_ a bad person,” he stressed. “I’ve known you for long enough to know you are the opposite of a bad person.”

Yuzuru pressed his lips together, trying to figure out how to tell Brian without breaking down again. “I- I fall in love with a man.”

Brian gave him a pointed look. “I think you can understand why I really don’t think that makes you a bad person,” he said and Yuzuru flushed.

“No! I not mean-“ He groaned. “No, not that, me being gay is not why I am bad,” he babbled. “It is because I fall in love with man who has girlfriend.”

“Oh,” Brian drawled. “So that’s what’s wrong.” He shook his head sadly. “Yuzu, I know it is hard, but you’re far from the only person to fall for a straight guy. It sucks, but falling for someone you can’t have is a part of life. It hurts now, but it will get better-“

“I _did_ have him, that is why I am a bad person,” Yuzuru interrupted, looking down at the floor in shame. “I love him and I know he loves me, but it is wrong, because he has girlfriend. First time we have sex I feel so guilty that when I saw the girlfriend even months later it made me throw up, and I swear never again, but then it happen again and I am horrible person, good person does not love man who will cheat on girlfriend and good person really does not sleep with person who has girlfriend _twice_.” He sucked in a breath after saying all of that so fast, and he regretted instantly that he said those things, but he felt so much better to finally have said them. 

He lifted his head, heart pounding after such a release of the pent up stress, only he could see Brian looking at him with worry and disappointment. “I knew you weren’t one to throw up from stress,” he said and every word dripped with disappointment. Yuzuru flinched and bowed his head in shame. “Yuzuru…” He sighed heavily and when Yuzuru peeked he could see him rubbing at his forehead. “Look, you are not a bad person for doing something wrong. Everybody makes mistakes, especially when love is involved. It’s not good, what you did, but at least you know it’s bad,” he said, cringing. “But this is a whole big mess for me to deal with if you and Javier are mixed up in a bunch of drama.”

Yuzuru nodded. “I am sorry, Coach Brian,” he said tightly but sincerely. “It has not messed up training before. Give me time and it will be okay again here. Both other times we have done this, it was at end of season or off-season, and times we have fights, so time apart helped prevent bad for training, but I will not let this ruin my season,” he said firmly. 

Brian slapped a hand over his face. “Ah jeez, how much have I missed?” he asked, sounding stressed out. He sighed. “Okay, rundown. No details – dear God – but I need to know what could get out that I might have to deal with,” he said, looking at him expectantly. “If any of this could leak to the media, I need to know what is coming.”

Yuzuru scrunched his nose. “I think not much of it could get out, cause Javi will not tell,” he said, then frowned. “Man I was sleeping with that mom found out about and we had fight over, if he ever realize who I am, it could get bad.” He ducked his head in shame. “I send him dirty pictures, but my face is not in them-“

“Oh God, Yuzuru, that is the _number one_ thing to not do,” Brian groaned. “Okay, who is this guy?”

Yuzuru grimaced. “His name is Frank. He work at coffee shop down street from here. I sleep with him for about five months back then. He did not know who I am, just that I young and did not want a boyfriend.”

Brian cringed. “Okay. If that becomes a thing, I’ll have a plan worked up to make him seem like a liar,” he said, then waved a hand as he leaned back in his chair. “Continue. What else?”

“Last year, Javi and I got in argument at a party, but I do not think anybody knows that after I go home with him,” he said. “But if fight is reported, it may cause rumors about competitor drama.” He suddenly flushed. “Javi and I argue again at World Team Trophy.” He ducked his head. “We have argued every time he gets jealous,” he said, finally voicing something he discovered that night. “First fight was about Frank because Javi think I saw Frank because Javi got a girlfriend.”

Brian gave him a suspicious look. “So why did he get jealous at the World Team Trophy?”

Yuzuru winced even before Brian could get angry. “Because he came to check on me after bad short program and caught Jin Boyang leaving my hotel room,” he said, and Brian’s eyes widened as his hands fell to the table.

“What?! Yuzuru!” he spluttered. “ _During_ competition?” he asked, and Yuzuru flushed.

“I was stressed! Tracy said I needed to relax-“

“And I doubt she meant to sleep with your competitor the day before the free skate!” Brian said loudly. “Yuzuru, come on,” he groaned, putting a hand over his face. “Please tell me that was one time.”

Yuzuru nodded vigorously. “Yes, I think he is cute but I do not like him that way, it was one time thing-“

“I didn’t mean with him, I meant the one time you slept with someone during competition,” Brian interrupted, looking like this was the last conversation he ever wanted to have.

Yuzuru nodded again. “Yes, I only ever been with Javi, Frank, and Boyang,” he said quickly. “And with Javi it was during ice show, then before off season last summer, and then last night-“ He groaned. “Sorry, sorry, that too much information, I know,” he said, before Brian could even react.

Brian snorted, shaking his head. “Jesus, and I thought I’d gotten lucky with drama-less skaters.” He rubbed a hand over his face. “Does Miki Ando know you’ve slept with her boyfriend?” he asked bluntly and Yuzuru’s blood ran cold.

“I really, really hope not. It would be end of my career if this drama came out. Even if I am best, sponsors would dump me so fast for scandal, especially since it is with a man,” he said, horrified at the thought. “Brian, this can never get out,” he said in a rush. “This secret must go to grave with me. This cannot- I cannot-“

“Okay, okay, calm down,” Brian said quickly. “Nobody knows you are gay besides people you let know. Nobody will _ever_ find it out from me,” he swore. “Nothing you said today will ever leave this room. I won’t even have a discussion with Javier unless you think I should. I am equally both your coaches, but that doesn’t mean I have to tell both of you each other’s secrets.”

Yuzuru bit his lip, looking down sadly. “If Javi is bad at practice it is probably because I left without talking. He is probably sad. If he is bad and you ask him if he wants to talk, just tell him you never tell anybody, like you tell me, and he might talk to you about it.” He sighed. “His life is really, really hard and it is not just me that feels like a bad person,” he confessed.

Brian sighed and nodded. “Javier skates his emotions, so probably he will have struggles. He’s scheduled for later,” he said, and Yuzuru fidgeted. “Are things going to be bad at the rink between you two? Do I need to schedule you apart?” he asked.

“It will be okay,” Yuzuru said sadly, looking up with a bitter smile. “It always has been before.”

~

Yuzuru didn’t see Javier for a few days after that. He deliberately rescheduled his time working on choreography away from Javier’s ice time, and he only saw him in passing while he left and Javier was in the gym. When he finally did see Javier again, Javier looked at him with such a guilty look in his eyes that he just smiled briefly and the rushed away to work with Tracy while Javier worked with Brian. 

After practice, Javier caught him on his way out. “Yuzuru,” he said as he caught up to him and walked with him out of the building. “Yuzuru, can we talk?” He looked at him hopefully. “You can come over and we can play video games and talk,” he suggested, and Yuzuru gave him a pointed look.

“Javi, maybe it is not a good idea for me to be alone at your house with you,” he said and Javier gave him a startled and _heartbroken_ look, even stopping in his tracks.

“Do- do you think you aren’t safe with me? Yuzu, how could you think-“

“Javi,” he said, interrupting him as he turned and stepped closer. He shook his head. “I would never think you might hurt me,” he stressed, looking up into his beautiful brown eyes. “Javi, I don’t trust myself alone with you.”

Javier blushed, ducking his head. “Oh. I thought maybe you thought-“

“Javi, you are still Javi,” he said firmly. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair nervously. “Maybe you come home with me? My mom is home so it is not like I would forget what I cannot do when she is at home.”

Javier nodded, looking relieved. “That sounds like a better plan.”

When they got home, Yumi greeted Javier with a smile. “Javi-chan! No see long time,” she said, and Yuzuru smiled fondly at the way his mother, with her very limited English, tugged Javier into the kitchen to start mothering him and making him tea and giving him a snack. His mother loved Javier. He was so kind and charming it was not surprising his mom would like him. 

By the time they retired to Yuzuru’s room, Javier had tea and a cookie as he sat at Yuzuru’s desk. “Your mom is trying to make me fat,” Javier joked and it almost felt like old times for a minute. When he sat down, Yuzuru sat on his bed, and Javier’s eyes turned to the door they had left open, which brought Yuzuru back to reality. 

“She will not understand enough of what we say to worry,” Yuzuru reassured Javier.

“Okay, good.” Javier turned the desk chair to face Yuzuru and he leaned on his knees. “Brian knows,” he said and Yuzuru was surprised he had talked to Brian. “I was skating badly and he made me come talk to him and he offered to find a sports psychologist and when I told him it was not about stress, I ended up telling him everything.”

Javier looked guilty and Yuzuru giggled at how ridiculous this was. “Javi, he already know before that,” he explained and Javier frowned. “I tell him first day,” he confessed. “He did same thing, he offer to find me help and I tell him I am bad skater because I am guilty at being bad person, and he said I was not bad person, and it all came out because I accidentally make it sound like I feel like bad person for being gay and I panic because it sound very rude to say that to gay coach.”

Javier groaned. “Oh my God, so he already knew?! That was the most uncomfortable talk I have ever had with Brian and he already knew everything?”

Yuzuru nodded, smiling bashfully. “He know _everything_. I even accidentally say I have sex with Boyang and he get kind of crazy, but less crazy than when I tell him I gave Frank dirty pictures back then, that made him go very crazy.”

Javier’s eyes widened. “Yuzuru, you did _what_?! Oh my God, if he finds out who you are and sells those photos-“

“Brian already know how to make him seem like liar,” Yuzuru said quickly. “My face is not in them, so it can be denied, and who would really believe forty year old man have bad photos of me?” he asked and Javier rolled his eyes.

“No wonder Brian was so patient with me. At least my confession did not involve nude photos or sleeping with my competitors,” he said and Yuzuru gave him an uncomfortable look and he grimaced. “Well, apart from you.” Javier sighed, rubbing a hand over his forehead. “Yuzuru… I don’t know what to do.”

Yuzuru shook his head looking away. “Nothing. You do nothing. And I do nothing. We must pretend nothing happened.”

Javier looked up at him in disbelief. “Yuzuru, how can I do that? I’m _in love_ with you,” he said and Yuzuru turned away, forcing down the heart that leap into his throat.

“And Miki is in love with you,” he said quietly, his voice tight. “She loves you and it is wrong, what we did. Two times, we did something beyond terrible, Javi. You know I see her, right? Last season, she was at NHK and I have to look her in the eyes knowing I sleep with her boyfriend.” He shook his head. “I never hate myself more in my whole life.”

Javier started jiggling his leg, clearly tense. “I know the feeling,” he whispered. “I’m a horrible person. I hate everything about myself, because the best girlfriend I have ever had does not deserve this. She’s a great person. I love her, but I cheated on her. Twice.” He looked at Yuzuru. “I can’t keep lying to her. Once I thought it was best. It was a stupid choice and I did something horrible, but telling her would not make anybody happy. I knew leaving her would break her heart and telling her the truth would break her heart and I said I would never betray her trust ever, _ever_ again, so I thought it was the best for everybody.” He swallowed visibly and his eyes looked so sad it hurt Yuzuru’s heart. “But I did. I did it again. With the same person.” He shook his head. “And I don’t know if that’s better or worse than if it was someone different. I don’t know if it’s better or worse that I didn’t just have sex with someone else, but I’m in love with someone else. What is worse? Cheating on her with someone I have loved far longer than I loved her? Or cheating on her with someone I don’t care for that way? What’s the bigger betrayal, sex with someone else or loving someone else?” 

Yuzuru closed his eyes. “Both are wrong, Javi. And I am wrong for doing it with you. I am- I am so sorry,” he gritted out. “I should have said no. Both times, I know you have girlfriend and I still said yes. I always thought cheaters are the worst, but I cannot stop from wanting someone who belongs to someone else. And you are not bad,” he said weakly. “I think cheaters are all bad people, but I can’t think you are bad. You are good and it make me sick to know I am the reason you do bad things when you are not a bad person.”

“Yuzuru, it’s not like you are to blame for me choosing to cheat on my girlfriend,” Javier comforted. “It’s my fault, not yours.”

“It doesn’t matter, because we still did it!” Yuzuru said more loudly. “Javi, we did something so terrible, and we cannot ever tell anybody. It is wrong to lie to her, but it would not make anybody happy to tell her what is true. She will hate you and she will hate me and from what I know, you are first person to ever really make her happy, she deserves to be happy, not sad because I am whore!”

Javier glared. “Yuzuru, you are not a whore. Don’t say that about yourself.”

“Why not?” Yuzuru asked wetly. “I have sex with best friend who has girlfriend. What else am I?” he whispered.

They sat in silence for a while before Javier shook his head. “Yuzuru, I have to tell her. I have to tell her and let her break up with me. It’s not fair to her to lie just to make her happy. I don’t deserve her and I-“ He stopped and Yuzuru looked at him and saw he was staring so hard at Yuzuru it was like he was trying to see into his soul. “I want you,” he confessed. “I have wanted you for so many years, and I am in love with you in a way I have never felt for anyone. I denied my feelings because I didn’t want to admit I like men and I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, but Yuzu, I can’t pretend that every time I look at you I don’t feel more love in that one moment than I ever felt for anyone before.”

Yuzuru closed his eyes and let some tears fall. “Javi, we cannot.”

Javier didn’t speak for some time and when he did, his voice sounded _ruined_ , startling Yuzuru into looking at him. “Oh.” Javier looked like someone had put a knife in his heart and Yuzuru felt like he couldn’t breathe. “I just- I just realized.” Javier swallowed hard. “You- you have never said you feel the same.” His voice broke and he tilted his head. “You- you have never said the word ‘love’ in regards to me at all.” He let his head hang and when he lifted it Yuzuru saw tears in his eyes. “You don’t feel the same. I didn’t- I didn’t even think that might be the case.” He laughed wetly, wiping at his cheek. “Of course we cannot. You- you only love me like a friend, don’t you?” He nodded, eyes screwed up in pain. “Everything makes more sense now.”

Yuzuru sat straighter. “Javi-“

“No,” Javier said quickly, standing up. “No, Yuzu, it’s okay. It’s not like you can control that. It’s- it’s okay.” He walked closer and cupped Yuzuru’s face in his hands, looking down at him. “Hey, it’s going to be alright. We’ll figure out how to keep being us, right? It may take time, but we will be Javi and Yuzu again. You’re still my best friend, even if-“ He stopped and forced a smile. “Don’t blame yourself, Querido.” He leaned down and kissed the top of Yuzuru’s head. “None of this is your fault,” he whispered, and when Yuzuru looked up he saw tears streaking Javier’s face in spite of his efforts to stop them. “I’ll see you later,” he said, curling his hand around Yuzuru’s neck like always before turning and leaving quickly, wiping at his face to cover the fact he was crying from Yuzuru’s mother. 

Yuzuru was frozen by overwhelming guilt and pain and when he heard his mother seeing Javier out, a dam broke and he couldn’t do anything besides lay down on his bed and cry. 

Of all the bad things he did, breaking Javier’s heart hurt the most of all.

~

Javier must have said something to Brian, because their schedules got changed. Yuzuru didn’t see Javier for three entire weeks, and it was the longest he had ever gone without seeing him when they were in Toronto together. 

Yuzuru found out Javier and Miki broke up from the internet. Yuzuru didn’t do social media, but he messaged friends and looked at news in the figure skating world, and the news was rumored when Javier skated at the Japan Open and nobody saw him with Miki, but then confirmed when Javier posted online that the rumors were true and that he and Miki had parted ways amicably. 

Somehow, Yuzuru doubted that was true. Either he had dumped her without explanation or warning, or he had told her and she dumped him for being a cheater. 

Javier never addressed his breakup with Miki or his and Yuzuru’s issues, but when their schedules permitted them to see each other again without going out outside of practice, they slowly started to return to what they once were: best friends and nothing more. It was hard sometimes, because when Javier smiled at him, Yuzuru saw that love in his eyes and wanted so badly to confess his own feelings. It was better not to, though. They needed to be friends again and get past their feelings.

In the end, it only took two months of being back to normal before their attempts to keep it friends only failed, and it was entirely Yuzuru’s fault. 

Just like a repeat of before, something Yuzuru should have seen coming, the girls went over to Javi’s to play video games and he went with them all. He really did mean to leave with them, but he was in the middle of beating Javi for the fourth time at a game when they finally left and he _really did_ just want to play one more time, but when he won he threw his arms up and then turned to launch himself at Javi, cheering for himself winning while he hugged him, just like how they used to.

At first it was just like old times, too, until Javier flopped down on the couch and laughed at Yuzuru as he held him around the waist and smiled up at him where he lay on Javier’s chest. Their laughter faded as they looked into each other’s eyes, and Yuzuru couldn’t get over how he felt even now. “It is crazy,” Yuzuru said out loud and Javier raised an eyebrow. Yuzuru looked at his face in wonder, shaking his head some. “My stomach still has butterflies when I look at you,” he confessed without even thinking about what he was saying. 

Javier’s eyes darkened some and he looked sad. “Yuzu, please don’t pretend,” he said and Yuzuru’s heart twisted painfully. Javier shook his head with the most heartbreaking smile. “You don’t have to ever be anything but Yuzuru.”

“I am,” he said earnestly, trying to make Javier believe him. He reached out and rubbed his finger over the sad lines between Javier’s eyes. “Javi, I have never not loved you, I do not think. I just could not bring myself to tell a man who was not mine that I have loved him for years. I still don’t feel good about it, because we did something back to Miki because I love you.”

Javier smiled sadly. “She was not as mad as she should have been,” he whispered and Yuzuru realized that meant he did tell her. “She is too kind. I think I could have been happy with her forever if I did not start dating her just because I was too scared to admit I was in love with you.” He rolled his eyes. “When I tell her that, confess that I only asked her out because I was scared that I loved a man, she said she always suspected I did not love her the right way. I felt so bad for that, but I think she was getting ready to break up with me anyways. I just gave her a good reason by being a shitty person and cheating on her.” He shook his head. “I will never not be guilty for that, but I cannot find it in me to be guilty that I love you, Yuzuru Hanyu.” He stroked Yuzuru’s cheek with a sad smile. “I did not deserve her, and it is okay if you don’t love me, because I do not deserve you either for putting you in that situation.”

Yuzuru shook his head. “I loved you long before that night we had sex after the ice show, Javi.”

Javier nodded weakly. “Me, too.” He blinked back tears and laughed. “God, you make me crazy, Yuzuru. I am so weak for you. You could ask me to do anything and I would do it. I would _retire_ if you asked me, but I know you would never do that. It’s so hard to love you more than anything else in the whole world when I cannot have you. Every day I wish I was just a man and you were just another man, and we just met somewhere that I could have been with you from the beginning and not let all of this stop me from telling you every single day that I would give my life just to hear-“

Yuzuru put a hand over his lips and looked down at him with tears in his own eyes. “I love you, Javier Fernandez.” He saw Javier’s eyes change and felt his smile under his palm, and he couldn’t help but smile. “I wanted you to love me back from the first time you ever kiss me. I can never be the man you show off in photos and in public, but I promise, I always love you and always will, I think.”

Javier gently pulled Yuzuru’s hand from his face and he lifted his head. “Yuzuru, I am going to kiss you unless you say no,” he warned him, and Yuzuru just laughed.

“Kiss me,” he whispered, and Javier did.

**Author's Note:**

> Please do not leave mean comments, I have made very clear I DO NOT SUPPORT THIS AT ALL, I would be very sad if people think writing a story about bad things means I think it is good idea. It is fiction and I hope it ONLY EVER is fiction!


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